Sibling Rivalry: How to Reduce It
We started a new form of therapy with Henry this week called Therapeutic Assessment. He’s been in a play-based therapy for a couple years, but we were eager to try something new. I have been going to a therapist who practices Therapeutic Assessment for a year now. It’s been instrumental in helping me understand my issues and patterns and learning new ways of doing and being. In our first session with Henry, Henry talked a lot about the conflict he experiences with his brother, Tate. It got me thinking about the concept of sibling rivalry again and how to reduce it in our home.
I went back and read excerpts from the book, Siblings Without Rivalry. The premise is that at the heart of sibling rivalry, children fee like they are competing for love. The authors even go so far to say that having a sibling is
like having your partner come home and say, “Honey, I love you so much that I’m going to bring home another wife/husband just like you. S/he is going to live with us and share all of your things.”
Understanding the sibling experience in this way gives me immense empathy for our boys and what they may be feeling at times. Of course this explanation isn’t the whole story. Siblings experience tremendous connection, fun, and comfort from each other. But not all the time. It can also be frustrating, irritating, and annoying.
My Favorite Excerpts on Sibling Rivalry
Instead of dismissing negative feelings about a sibling,
acknowledge the feelings.
Instead of:
Child: “You’re always with the baby.”
Parent: “No I’m not. Didn’t I just read to you?”
Put the feelings into words:
Parent: “You don’t like my spending so much time with her.”
Give children in fantasy what they don’t have in reality.
Child: “Send the baby back!”
Parent: “You don’t mean that. You know you love her.”
Express what the child might wish:
Parent: “You don’t want her here. Sometimes you wish she’d
go away.”
Stop hurtful behavior, show how angry feelings can be
discharged safely. Refrain from attacking the attacker.
Instead of:
Parent: “That’s a nasty thing to do to the baby! She only
touched your blocks.”
Show better ways to express anger:
“No punching. Tell your sister how angry you are with words,
not fists.”
Yes to all of this! I have so much work to do on each of these fronts. Henry is a very logical person. I’m pretty sure his Myer’s Briggs type is an INTJ like me. So I find myself trying to reason with him when he expresses these kinds of feelings.
I’m really going to work on these strategies in the coming weeks! I found this incredibly helpful summary chart from the Amazing Simone in case you need a little cheatsheet like I do!
7 Comments
Amy
I mean no disrespect with my question, but I am curious about how, in the future when he asks about it, you will address the sharing of the private details of your son’s mental health on your blog? I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression since childhood (I’m now in my 30s), and I know that if I found out that one of my parents had shared such personal details, without my consent, I would have felt betrayed.
In an age where everything is shared online how does one decide what they do or do not share about one’s children (or anyone else, for that matter) without their knowledge or consent?
Sebrina
While I agree about parents needing to consider what details they share about their children on public platforms, I also think that many perspectives on mental health are a little out-dated and ultimately harmful as a society.
The current assumption is that mental health awareness and therapy are the exceptions for “sick” people and should be kept private. Unfortunately I feel like this adds shame when it doesn’t need to exist. I think everyone can benefit from therapy and mental health evaluation. By teaching our kids from a young age to be open about their feelings and discuss them freely we are creating a future generation who will hopefully be more empathetic and less repressed than we currently see.
Instead of anxiety or depression being something held against someone, it will just be another norm with more people aware of how to cope and address it.
Sara Cotner
Thank you for chiming in, Amy! I’m not at all offended by your question, and it gave me a lot to think about today. I definitely never want to betray my son’s trust. At the same time, I believe the more open we are with each other about our struggles, the more we can learn/grow/connect.
Tonight I had a conversation with Henry that went something like this:
Me: “Henry, I talk a lot to other people about how I go to therapy because I think it’s really healthy and good to go to therapy. I think if I talk about it more, then people will feel more comfortable with it. Would you also be okay if I talked to other people about how we take you to therapy? That way, they might be more comfortable taking their kids to therapy.”
Henry: “Of course. It’s not top secret. Therapy is not healthy for your body, but it’s healthy for your brain.”
Kristen
Again, no disrespect – and I’m glad you at least mentioned to Henry that you are talking about him on your blog – but do you consider elementary school age old enough to give consent for this kind of information? He’s not old enough to comprehend the potential ramifications of his decision.
Sara Cotner
Hi, Kristen! I guess I’m not really following what the “potential ramifications” are for sharing that Henry has struggles with self-regulation and that we are seeing a therapist about it? Henry’s behavior is very public to those who know him. It’s not a secret that I’m exposing to the world. I am—for sure—widening the circle of people who know about it. But I’m sharing our journey so that anyone else who is struggling with similar issues feels like they are not alone and they can see how our path plays out for us. I can imagine there will be things that will come up in the future that would feel more like private things that Henry might not want to be shared in a public forum, but the things I’ve shared so far don’t feel like a breach to me. We all have things we struggle with. And therapy is not a shameful thing. I respect everyone’s right to have a different opinion about what feels like a breach. We are all just doing our best as parents! I do appreciate your perspective, and I will continue to think deeply about this as I write posts in the future.
Daphne
The earlier comment made me curious — how do you talk to your children about the blog? Especially as they get older, is it a concern that their friends or their friends’ parents might stumble on it? I imagine since you use your real names the blog probably comes up if you search for your kids’ names or your own. Definitely a tricky subject and would love to hear how you’re thinking about it!
Sara Cotner
Hi, Daphne! It’s a really tricky situation. I’ve always tried to live my own life in the most open way possible. I try to share honestly about what’s hard and celebrate the positive. I did this when I was a teacher, and now I do it as a blogger. My children are a huge part of my life! I want to respect their privacy but I also want to be able to connect with others about the challenges and realities of parenting. It’s a delicate balance for sure, and I’m not sure I’m getting it right!