Family Gap Year: Is It Possible?
In my twenties, my teacher friend, Whitney, and I went to open mic night every Tuesday at the Mucky Duck.
One night, we heard a song about living your life backwards. It was something about living the retirement life when you were younger. The idea was that you should travel while your body was able to handle it well. Then, when you were older and had more appreciation and perspective, you should go back to school.
The Idea of Mini-Retirements Was Born
I took from that song the goal of retiring much later than the average age and using those extra years to take mini-retirements throughout my life.
When I was 27, I did take a mini-retirement. I saved up my money for an entire year and then took almost a whole year off from teaching. I traveled up the East Coast. My trip included learning how to make hammocks and tofu at an intentional community. Further, I worked at a folk art school, tutored evacuees after Hurricane Katrina, and traveled to India.
I initially thought we would take a Family Gap Year when my children were in 3rd and 1st grade because Matt and I are certified to teach Montessori at those levels. When it was time to start planning for it a couple years in advance, however, I realized I didn’t really feel like shlepping my children around the world for a year. Further, I couldn’t see how it could possibly work with my job. I vowed to start adding international travel to our rotation of Spring, Summer, and Fall breaks from school (hence our amazing trip to Australia!). I even watched the incredible documentary about a family who travels around the world for a year (Given) and didn’t feel a pang of jealousy.
But then something happened. I think my children grew up a little bit! Life started to get a little easier. When I floated the idea out in our family, everyone got immediately excited.
The next day, Matt and the boys were rear-ended in a car accident, and our Prius was totaled. It was one of those moments when Life reminds you that everything can change in an instant. We got lucky that time, but there’s no telling what happens next time. That night, we got a late call from Matt’s family. In the couple seconds between realizing who it was and Matt answering the phone, my brain thought, “Something has happened to one of them. Our life is no longer going to be easy.”
Fortunately, they were just calling to check-in about the accident, but it made me realize that we are in our Golden Period. Our children are out of the irrational toddler phase and are not yet in the irrational adolescent phase. Thankfully, our parents are still healthy. Our bodies are still agile. This is the time. This is the time to seize this one wild and precious life and make the most of it.
Family Gap Year
A Family Gap Year could also potentially help Henry heal from the trauma of the past six years when I was trying to balance the launch of a non-profit organization and be present for him and Tate. He would really soak in the extended time for connection. And I am always my best version of myself when we are exploring somewhere new.
I have no idea if we could actually make this work or what it would entail, but it’s worth trying to figure it out!
11 Comments
Amber
I fear this will sound harsher than I mean it but have you ever just felt happy in where you are in your life/enjoyed the fruits of your labors? Have you had that conversation with your therapist? A family gap year sounds AMAZING but if the process of starting your school was traumatic to your child I can’t imagine the uproot of a year is what would heal that. I think continuing to work on showing him that his life is stable and that you ENJOY it with him will do more toward healing.
Sara Cotner
Amber, I LOVE that you feel comfortable sharing your honest opinion with me! Seriously, I feel so lucky that I have people all around the world who have insight into my life and can offer advice.
When I turned 40, I realized that my life had been segmented into decades with discrete areas of focus. I went into my twenties knowing that I wanted to do non-profit work but not knowing in which area. By the end of my twenties, I knew who I wanted to marry and the idea for Montessori For All was taking root. Then my thirties were about getting married, building a non-profit, building our family, and building a house. When I hit my 40s, I said, “Now I am going to spend the next decade just enjoying it!”
I guess to me taking an extended trip together does feel like a way to enjoy it. I feel like the time I get with my family is so fleeting. I’m going to blink and they are going to be in college. Taking a year together feels like a way to double-down on our connection. And we would still have this entire school year to enjoy where we’re at.
I would have to be really thoughtful about it–making sure that we do it in a way that feels as stabilizing as possible and not chaotic. I know some families that go to a different country every week. We couldn’t afford that, nor do I think that kind of upheaval would feel good for our family. But I do think we could stay in one place for an entire month at a time. We could get settled into a town and explore all around before moving on to the next country.
I have talked to two different therapists about it. My therapist thinks it sounds like a good idea. The therapist who is doing Henry’s evaluation says her gut tells her it would be good for connection. But she is reserving the right to change her mind after she has more insight into what’s going on. She wants to make sure he can get his needs met while traveling (like if he has some kind of learning difference that requires intervention).
Julie
Love it!! If you can make this work, that sounds amazing. You have a pretty solid home base to return to, which I imagine would make this feel safe for your boys. I know some family members who did something similar with their kids (moved to a country where they had family to have their kids learn the language, spend quality time there) and from what I know, it was a great experience all around.
Sara Cotner
The more I research it, the more I see that there are a lot of families out there doing it!
Kate
Highly recommend the Facebook group Our Tribe Travels. It’s a fantastic group of folks doing similar things!
Sara Cotner
Often times I feel like you all should be the ones blogging and I should be reading your blogs. You are aware of so many more things than I am! Thank you for this recommendation, Kate. I just joined the group. It looks amazing! I would love to meet other families who are doing this.
Erin
I literally just started listening to the book How to be a Family by Dan Kois. It might help think through some of the potential issues and benefits. It sounds awesome to me.
Sara Cotner
What an amazing recommendation, Erin! I had never heard of it. I love this line in the description: “Will this trip change the Kois family’s lives? Or do families take their problems and conflicts with them wherever we go?”
Thank you for chiming in and sharing!
Jennifer
You might remember me from MECR. 🙂 Anyway I follow your blog periodically & the post resonated with me. My husband and I don’t do gap years but we do take about a month-long trip someplace new each year. I am a true blue homebody so I admit to not being my best self while traveling. But my husband totally is & so are some of our kids. For all of us – whether travel completes us or stretches us – our trips have been memory-making and family-bonding and mind-alteringly educational in so many senses of the word!! We are convinced the time to travel as a family is NOW – before the kids are teens. And the adventure of making it happen all together (we have six kids, all under age 10) has been as great for each of us as the destinations themselves! I absolutely commend you for what you’re doing. To those who say it may not be a “perfect fit” for everyone in tourney family… in most families nothing is a “perfect fit” for all. We emphasize extra compassion and patience and awareness towards those less excited about travel/change… just as we emphasize those same qualities towards those less excited about mundane routine during the other 11 months. Travel together & travel now: it will broaden your minds & hearts! Wishing you all the best!!
Sara Cotner
So great to hear from you! I can’t believe it’s been so long! And thank you for this encouragement. Your month-long adventures sound amazing!
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