How to Talk So Kids Will Listen
In part of my quest to double-down on connection with Henry, I started to re-read How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. I really appreciate this book, as well as their other book about sibling rivalry.
I’m trying not to just breeze through it and instead slow down and read one chapter at a time. I want to be intentional about incorporating the ideas into my parenting (and support Matt to do the same).
In Chapter One, there’s a quote that hit me in the gut. There’s a “direct connection between how kids feel and how they behave.” It’s clear to us that Henry isn’t feeling great right now. However, we aren’t sure why. There is definitely tension between him and his brother, but it’s not clear why it affects Henry so much. To us, it just seems like minor annoyances.
And that’s where the first chapter of How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk comes into play. It’s all about letting children have their feelings. “Steady denial of feelings can confuse and enrage kids. Also teaches them not to know what their feelings are—not to trust them.”
For example, a child might say: “Mommy, I’m tired.” And the parent could easily say, “You can’t be tired. You just napped.”
After reading the chapter, I listened to myself in a new way. I realized that my general personality makes me quite terrible at this. I’m rational, logical, optimistic, resilient, and oriented to problem-solving. My worst example of this was when Henry was complaining about how many hours he has to spend at school versus home. I literally broke out a notebook and pencil and did a complex math problem to prove to him that actually [my most common word :-/ ] he spends way more time awake at home than he does at school.
Oy. I need some serious work on this.
I think I will try to pull together a book club with families at our kids’ school. We could meet once a week over the course of 7 weeks to talk through the book. I think I would like the accountability and the community.
7 Comments
Melissa
Dude– Sarah. I love you, so I have to say it– if you want to connect with Henry, you need to spend time with Henry, not a book club. (And I love me a good book club, so I totally get it!)
Also, I love How To Talk too, but I also know that one of my own kiddos tends toward the negative. Validating all of his negative feelings only seems to help him spiral into more negativity. A line which has been really useful is “Yes. I get it, but we only get to do today once. We can complain or we can try to make the best of it. I’m going to try to make the best of things…”
Sara Cotner
Thanks for your candor, Melissa! After I wrote this post, I mapped out a plan for when the book club would meet and which chapter we would cover and then ultimately decided against it. It ended up feeling like it would detract from my life and not enhance it.
I appreciate the experience you shared about your child who tends toward the negative. I’m seeing the opposite in Henry–the more I acknowledge his feelings, the less frequently he seems to need to express them. He’s doing a lot less of the “this is the worst day ever.”
But, then again, we are trying a lot of different things all at once so it may be other things at play. Parenting is a terribly imprecise science experiment with no control group!
Melissa
You are so right about the imprecise science of parenting! I have felt this over and over again on this journey! And since every child is different, advice from anyone else, even an “expert” often doesn’t play out the way we think it should… Thanks for sharing about the steps you’re taking along the way!
Sara Cotner
The imprecision, unpredictability, and uncertainty of it can drive me crazy, but that’s exactly what it’s good for me!
Heather
Melissa and Sara,
Both of you make great points and I honestly think I need to do a little of each. I feel my son does benefit a lot from just venting while I acknowledge how he feels. But I also think there is some value to teaching not to dwell on the negative as my son sometimes does.
This parenting thing is tricky business!
Micky Marinelli
I just saw these blogs – they are great!
I love that book! I too find that the more my child feels heard the better it is. A lot of his issues come from not feeling heard and feeling powerless. The book “the explosive child” explains the same thing and gives more tips on how to help the child feel heard and solve the issues that get in the way. I find myself listening but then all too often interjecting with “yes but…” which is so invalidating. I need to learn to truly listen with a curious mind and accept what I hear, without imposing my agenda.
Sara Cotner
Yes, I think my oldest son struggles a lot when he feels powerless. Being a kid seems hard for him–like it’s hard for him to watch adults get to do whatever they want whenever they want.