Family Gap Year Post #11: Planning for the Heart

Our Family Gap Year starts in 42 days! So far, I’ve done a lot of planning for my head and hands. Now it’s time to plan for the heart.

What I mean by that is that I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what where we are going to be and what we are going to do. We booked all the AirBnBs for our massive road trip in June: Austin to Bloomington to Madison to Montana to Washington to Vancouver to Eugene to Northern California to Southern California. We’ve booked our AirBnBs for the month of July as we hop from Oahu to Kauai’i to Maui. And we’ve booked a long-term rental in Hilo.

I’ve made a draft schedule for our homeschooling days and have picked out adventures for us to choose from at every stop.

But what about how the trip is going to feel? What are the potential landmines when it comes to what it will feel like to spend 24/7 together? What will it feel like on the worst days for our family? How will the worst days with Matt feel? And is there anything I can do now to mitigate the low lows?

With Regard to My Children

I’ve really been working on my parenting for the last couple months. I’m working on “showing up” for my children, even when I’m tired and stressed. I’m being really intentional about repairing our relationship when I make a mistake. I’ve also decreased the boys’ screen time on the weekends from 3-4 hours in the middle of the day down to 2-2.5 hours. We spend more time together playing games and going for walks.

And it feels good!

But I’m really nervous that I’m able to pull this off because I’m much more able to take care of my needs while they are at school. What happens when work and school and home and free time and family time all merge together?

I think Matt and I need to be really honest and clear about what we need on a daily basis to feel fulfilled. And then we need to work together (with our children) to build a schedule that meets all of our needs (as much as humanly possible).

Matt will do more childcare than I will because of the nature of our jobs. I work full-time and he works 0.25 of a job. But he’s going to need a break after experiencing a dramatic increase in the amount of time he is “on” with our children. But I can’t just swoop in and be “on” as soon as I finish my work because I can’t only do work and childcare without getting my personal needs met.

It’s a tricky and delicate balance, for sure.

With Regard to My Relationship

There’s so much to think about with regard to childcare and work and homeschool that I find myself not thinking about my relationship with Matt in all of this. How do we make time for my work, the boys’ homeschooling, Matt’s personal needs, parenting, my personal needs, sleep, exercise, AND our relationship? And if our relationship doesn’t stay grounded or connected, then all the rest of this stuff can easily fall apart. And if the rest of this stuff falls apart, then our relationship will suffer. It’s a pernicious cycle!

In a conversation with my therapist about all of this, I realized that it’s a good idea for Matt and me to seek out couples’ counseling now. That way, we can have proactive conversations about all of this. And, once we are traveling, we can have a guaranteed time to have a facilitated conversation to keep the lines of communication open and strong.

My therapist also suggested that we have a bit of a closing ritual each day where we check in about how it’s going. And he said we should set boundaries for that time together, like approaching the conversation with kindness.

Of course the biggest part of getting my heart ready for this big change in our life is to go into the situation with my eyes wide open about how some days are going to be downright awful. Some days will feel like everything is going wrong. Other days will feel like we are all showing up with the worst versions of ourselves. Some days will feel like we never should have embarked on this grand adventure together.

And that’s okay. That probably means it’s time to go get shave ice, play at the beach, and go to bed early.