All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood
I was fortunate to be able to attend the American Montessori
Conference last weekend in Philadelphia. It was exciting to connect with
friends from around the nation (hi, Megan!).
Conference last weekend in Philadelphia. It was exciting to connect with
friends from around the nation (hi, Megan!).
I also had the opportunity to listen to a keynote lecture
from Jennifer Senior, the author of All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood. Her entire talk
resonated with me deeply and left tears in my eyes.
from Jennifer Senior, the author of All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood. Her entire talk
resonated with me deeply and left tears in my eyes.
She started by talking about the conflicting advice we
receive as parents. I definitely felt the push and pull of conflicting advice
when I had my first son in 2011. I knew that I wanted to try for a homebirth
because I wanted a more gentle, simple, and relaxed welcome for my son.
Although I ended up transferring to the hospital and requiring Pitocin, I was
still part of the homebirth community, which tends to lean toward Attachment
Parenting.
receive as parents. I definitely felt the push and pull of conflicting advice
when I had my first son in 2011. I knew that I wanted to try for a homebirth
because I wanted a more gentle, simple, and relaxed welcome for my son.
Although I ended up transferring to the hospital and requiring Pitocin, I was
still part of the homebirth community, which tends to lean toward Attachment
Parenting.
There are parts of Attachment Parenting that resonate with
me. Our first son slept in our bed with us for the first two months or so of
his life, while our second son slept in a Moses basket right next to our bed
for the first two months. I was also very committed to breastfeeding and
babywearing.
me. Our first son slept in our bed with us for the first two months or so of
his life, while our second son slept in a Moses basket right next to our bed
for the first two months. I was also very committed to breastfeeding and
babywearing.
But I also felt compelled to move my children into their own
rooms around the two-month mark in order to preserve my sanity and my marriage.
And I felt compelled to follow my pediatrician’s advice about sleep training
between four and six months. I also stopped wearing my babies as much as soon
as they were capable of independent movement, and I wanted to wean them between
Year 1 and 2 in order to reclaim my body.
rooms around the two-month mark in order to preserve my sanity and my marriage.
And I felt compelled to follow my pediatrician’s advice about sleep training
between four and six months. I also stopped wearing my babies as much as soon
as they were capable of independent movement, and I wanted to wean them between
Year 1 and 2 in order to reclaim my body.
In other words, I had to find my own way as a parent. And it
wasn’t easy amidst all the conflicting advice and all the judgment, especially
because I was so desperate to get it right.
wasn’t easy amidst all the conflicting advice and all the judgment, especially
because I was so desperate to get it right.
The author also spoke of what happens when we wait later and
later to have children. She said it can make the transition to parenthood more
difficult because we are more acutely aware of the “before” and “after.” This
was definitely the case with me. My transition into motherhood was fraught with
mourning for the independence and freedom I had to forfeit in order to meet my
child’s needs.
later to have children. She said it can make the transition to parenthood more
difficult because we are more acutely aware of the “before” and “after.” This
was definitely the case with me. My transition into motherhood was fraught with
mourning for the independence and freedom I had to forfeit in order to meet my
child’s needs.
She added that sticking with our children is the one binding
commitment that our culture asks of us. We’re allowed to leave our jobs, our
homes, our spouses, our parents—but we can’t leave our children. There’s a
weight to that responsibility—a burden—that can make the transition to
parenthood overwhelming.
commitment that our culture asks of us. We’re allowed to leave our jobs, our
homes, our spouses, our parents—but we can’t leave our children. There’s a
weight to that responsibility—a burden—that can make the transition to
parenthood overwhelming.
She went on to explain that social scientists have research
to substantiate the idea that having children actually compromises our
happiness. One of the first studies on the subject in 1957 argued that children
don’t strengthen marriages; they weaken them.
to substantiate the idea that having children actually compromises our
happiness. One of the first studies on the subject in 1957 argued that children
don’t strengthen marriages; they weaken them.
She explained that it’s more complicated than it seems. Yes,
on the surface, our moment-to-moment affect is compromised when we have
children. There are many, many hard parts. But children also bring transcendent
joy and meaning to our lives. She described the concept of our “experiencing
selves” versus our “remembering selves.” Our “experiencing selves” are challenged
by the day-to-day grind of parenting, while our “remembering selves” look back and love the big picture of parenting.
on the surface, our moment-to-moment affect is compromised when we have
children. There are many, many hard parts. But children also bring transcendent
joy and meaning to our lives. She described the concept of our “experiencing
selves” versus our “remembering selves.” Our “experiencing selves” are challenged
by the day-to-day grind of parenting, while our “remembering selves” look back and love the big picture of parenting.
It was exactly the same conclusion I reached when I watched
“The Days Are Long; The Years Are Short.”
This parenting gig can be so, so hard, but it’s definitely worth it.
“The Days Are Long; The Years Are Short.”
This parenting gig can be so, so hard, but it’s definitely worth it.
Another point that truly resonated with me was the research
that shows that children rarely say they wish they saw their mothers more.
Instead, they are more likely to say that they wish their mothers were less
stressed out. Personally, I have a lot of work to do in this area. I work
really hard to spend quality time with my children, but I need to work harder
to make sure it is more stress-free time.
that shows that children rarely say they wish they saw their mothers more.
Instead, they are more likely to say that they wish their mothers were less
stressed out. Personally, I have a lot of work to do in this area. I work
really hard to spend quality time with my children, but I need to work harder
to make sure it is more stress-free time.
It’s also worth pointing out that the author
chose to send her own son to Montessori school because she considers the method
to be “utterly invaluable.” She said it’s “one of the few things that can serve
as a cultural counterweight” to the madness of modern parenting.
2 Comments
Beth
I know what a relief it is to know you're not alone.
I wish first time parents knew just how large the window of 'good parenting' is. However, I think it's also important to know yourself and your motivations for having children.
In this era of over-population, keeping up with the Jones's or passing on the family name, or checking off a number on The List aren't good reasons.
It's perfectly acceptable to NOT reproduce. I hope our culture grows to be more supportive of those who are childless (by choice or otherwise).
Cali Cole
grrrrreat post! thanks for sharing. i love you candidness on motherhood. i pray for more conversations like this. no one told me half of what i have experienced in my son's first year.