How to Support Friends in Need
I currently have two different acquaintances grappling with misfortunate medical things and it has me thinking about how to support friends in need. I have these ideas about college care packages and how to help a grieving friend from a distance. But I feel like I need more ideas in my toolkit for these situations.
I find that when I just offer: “Let me know what I can do to help.” Or even, “I’m willing to do things like XXX, XXX, XXX. Just let me know!” that people don’t frequently take me up on my offer. I would rather say, “Do you want me to do XXX, XXX, XXX, or other?” My hope is that it will sound like a more sincere offer.
Here are some ideas:
- Deliver a home-cooked meal
- Have dinner delivered via GrubHub
- Stop by to vacuum and wash dishes
- Purchase a massage certificate
- Purchase a pedicure certificate
- Babysit their children to give them a break
- Purchase something sweet like a little succulent or send a plant from The Sill
- Send a “date in a box” for them and their partner (maybe a box of brownie mix + a bottle of wine + get-to-know-you questions?)
What other ideas do you have about how to support friends in need?
6 Comments
Sarah
I think you are on the right track. It was the people who just did something–sending a gift card, making a meal, cleaning our house–that helped the most. I know others who offered were willing to help, but having to come up with something for them to do (or following up if they had a specific offer) felt like a burden when everything was already so hard. I also recommend There Is No Good Card for This by Kelsey Crowe and Emily McDowell for more ideas about how to help.
Sara Cotner
Thanks for the book recommendation, Sarah! It’s great to “see” you around here!
Olivia
This is so lovely. I’ve found that if I can do something that doesn’t even require their opting in — a gift certificate, a text that you’ll show up Saturday afternoon to tidy while they get a pedicure, letting them know you’re ordering delivery and will get XYZ unless they’d prefer a swap — it’s welcome. I also know that for myself, I have such trouble accepting offers of help, but appreciate tremendously when people just DO it. (Friends who offered to come hold the baby while I showered, I demured. The friend who showed up with a latte and insisted she wash and fold clothes, I gratefully accepted.)
Sara Cotner
Yes, Olivia! I think the trickiness for me related to these two folks in particular was that I wasn’t close enough friends with them to know what they really liked. It helped to give them options! But I phrased it in a way that made it very clear that they should pick at least one.
ANON
Speaking from the perspective of someone who was debilitated by illness and recovery for several years in my late 20s/early 30s, here are a few recommendations for what was useful and appreciated:
#1 – Receiving random check-ins. People sending cards, texting, calling, stoping by for a visit when I was well enough (in my situation, random drop-ins were not a good idea). Just simply letting me know that I wasn’t forgotten or alone. Illness is scary and lonely. It can also feel like everyone else has a life that is moving forward without you. A simple indication that someone was thinking about you can really cheer you up. Cards can be nice as I would leave them all out so that I could easily look at them for affirmation that people cared.
#2 – Don’t avoid the subject when you are with them. Seeing somebody go through an intense illness can be hard and scary. It makes us want to retreat to the place in our own minds that feels safe. We also may worry that they don’t want to be treated differently which results in people pretending it’s not happening. But it’s happening and providing a safe space for someone to vent can be really really useful. Be sure to use responses that are validating. One of the most frustrating things to hear are: “I’m sure it will be all right” and “Look at all the other things you have to be grateful for…it could be so much worse!”
#3 – Include them in invites to things without expectation of their attendance. It’s nice to feel included and not forgotten. Let them decide what they are and aren’t up for.
Sara Cotner
What powerful suggestions! Thank you so much for sharing.