Family Life: Where We Are and How We Are Doing
I set some intentional goals around our family life this year. I said:
2020 is my year to lean into my life. At home, I want to feel relaxed and present with my family. I want to leave my stress at work. I want to spend more energy focused on the positive. I want to make sure that we are all getting our needs met. I want our family to feel like a participatory democracy. I want to meet my children where they are, to meet their needs, and to rest assured that everything will turn out fine. I want to enact daily habits that will leave us feeling healthy.
Here’s where we currently are:
- Feeling relaxed and present and leaving stress at work = F
- Spend more energy focused on the positive = B
- Getting our needs met = D
- Participatory democracy = F
- Accept them for who they are = D
- Healthy daily habits = D
Well, okay! I’m glad I’m reflecting on these intentions in February when there’s still time to turn it around. I knew it was bad but not that bad!
I’m going to resurrect our Weekly Family Meetings. I think I’ve been skipping them because I feel unprepared to think of shout outs, apologies, and a lesson on the spot. I’m not one who likes improvising! I can do a better job of jotting down shout outs and apologies in my notebook. Then I can purchase some social and emotional lessons and work through them in a more systematic way as a family.
I should actually pose this question to our family: What should we work on together as a family? Then I can nominate something like: “How to calm ourselves down when we are frustrated or angry.” But they may have other ideas that are equally important/urgent.
I’ve been trying to do a better job of listening to what Henry tells me. For example, he’s been telling us he needs more play dates with friends, so we’ve been trying to accommodate that request. He also tells me that he should be able to earn money for the “work” he does at school. He does have a weekly allowance already, but we don’t tie it to anything. For example, he’s expected to do chores to contribute to the family. We give him an allowance so he can have some autonomy over how to spend his own money.
I’ve been so resistant to setting up some kind of extrinsic incentive system for him. As a Montessorian, I know how important it is to cultivate intrinsic motivation and self-direction. And I have read the research that shows that the former compromises the latter.
But I am also seeing that Henry’s brain works differently. So I’m thinking about how to develop some kind of extrinsic reward system. I need to do more research about it because I don’t know how to wean him off it over time (because Henry loves consistency).
Finally, I want to set up an appointment with our functional medicine doctor to update her about where Henry currently is and find out what nutritional supplements she recommends.
And of course there’s all the work I need to do around leaving my work stress at work. One small idea I have: when I don’t get something finished, I’m going to see—right in the moment—if I can move it to the next week. Right now, it’s just piling up and creating a lot of stress.
I wrote that paragraph last, but it’s actually the most important. I need to show up differently for my children.
Here’s to recommitting to my intentions!
6 Comments
Katy
I read this in some book, but try taping a paper to your fridge and let them write their complaints/ideas for topics throughout the week and then you can ask them to pick the most vexing one to deal with and cross off problems that have been resolved naturally. Way better than trying to come up with topics myself.
Sara Cotner
That’s perfect, Katy! That’s what I always did in my classroom but I forgot to bring the practice into my home. Thanks for the reminder!
Mamaschlick
I think the best extrinsic rewards follow a natural consequences pattern, even if somewhat attenuated. My kid focuses on the reward rather than the task and ends up skipping the pride (and the point) altogether. Example: he’s a great reader. School introduced a program that the kids read online and get points for books read. Then use the points to buy pretend things. My son skimmed the books as fast as he could, answered the questions at the end and racked up the points.
So I do things like “if you can work hard on x that means we will have time to do this y thing you want to do.” Also, have you tried preferred activities rather than extrinsic rewards? Example: if I want my highly resistant writer son to write, I come up with a fun pokemon project rather than choosing writing in connection with another, less interesting topic to him. Or you could tie the extrinsic gift very literally–if you make a list of 30 pokemon cards that you want, I will let you choose 5 to purchase. For me, extrinsic rewards make my son overcome his challenges, without learning coping tools. Sometimes that is useful-just to show him he can do it, but I use it reluctantly (like you) and as little as I can. His school uses extrinsic rewards and I’ve noticed that while they “get” him to do things that way, there’s a cost. He’s totally spent by the end of day after making all the extra efforts and overcoming obstacles, and seems unhappy without gaining actual tools to help his executive functioning, low frustration tolerance etc. I read some differently wired research a while back and the analogy they gave was about getting a person on crutches to walk a few feet without crutches to get a reward. It’s not helping the healing underneath. It’s forcing to do something unnatural and not necessarily helpful, without providing a benefit to the healing leg. It was worded better than that, but hopefully you get the point. Anyway, if you come up with good ideas, do share!
Sara Cotner
Oy, you are making me go back to not wanting to do extrinsic rewards! 🙂
Mamaschlick
Sorry! But I too have gone back and forth and back and forth. For us, once they’re introduced it becomes a fixation and then he has to be “weaned” off. I really just try to keep it simple now- “let’s get this done so we can do x fun thing” but it doesn’t always work and he doesn’t learn from not getting what he wanted because the lesson doesn’t stick. I don’t know…for me I’m just focused on tools but I don’t have the answers and every type of task is different. For chores, there’s just this “gotta do it, sorry” attitude and he accepts it and then has pride. Different for other areas of challenge. Oy is right! (:
Sara Cotner
All of this makes sense! I think I will hold off.