Parenting Tip: Something I Need to Focus On
In my weekly newsletters, I frequently mention some sort of struggle I’m having with parenting. Last week, I mentioned that my therapist said I need to learn how to better handle chaos and that I should be thankful that parenting can teach me that! One reader reached out to share that her therapist said something nearly identical two weeks ago. And another reader reached out to share Dr. Becky’s Instagram page. I loved this parenting tip from Dr. Becky so much:
When our kids are having a hard time, they need to feel that they are not “too much” for their parents, that they cannot overpower them with their dysregulation. They need us to be their sturdy leaders.
Why? Because at these moments, kids feel overwhelmed themselves – and if they then get the message that their emotional state overwhelms their parents, they become even more dysregulated given there’s no one keeping them safe.
Kids need to feel that their parents *recognize* their feelings AND that their feelings do not take over decision making.
@drbeckyathome
I theoretically know this advice. Heck, I teach this advice to teachers at our school! And, yet, I struggle so much to LIVE this advice.
I need to ground—and reground—myself in this important parenting tip. My children need me to take the higher ground. Easier said than done!
4 Comments
mamaschlick
Sara,
I feel you! I think it is so clear what we need to do for our intense kids but the DOING it is where it is hard. We all know we shouldn’t eat junk and exercise regularly, but…
I again encourage you to listen to tiltparenting podcasts. So inspiring with at least one little suggestion that you can add to your toolbox that works, in each episode.
When my kid is dysregulated, I get dysregulared. I can pep talk myself all I want but I am triggered by it no matter how many podcasts or books I read. I have recently started to just admit it to my son. I will say “You are not doing anything wrong and I want you to know that. This (loud noises, flailing arms, constant talking etc) is just something I am sensitive to and it overwhelms me. Sometimes I ask him to stop, reiterating that it is not his fault r not that he is doing anything wrong at all. Sometimes I say I will step away. Sometimes (usually when he is making repetitive loud sounds) I will wait it out and he does stop not that long after. Sometimes I @$%* up and just say STOP! PLEASE STOP! and then I later explain I got overwhelmed, had a headache etc.
In other words I have foud no magic potion but I have decided to go with some honesty and communication instead. I figure at least it will give my son a model and the langauge to express his feelings too. We ARE ALLOWED to get overwhelmed. We are human. All we can do is just say we love them and make sure their self esteem doesn’t take a hit. Sometimes when it is very logical I ask him to stop. For example: he tends to want to chat just as we are trying to leave to go somewhere or rushing. It drives me nuts because I am anxious to leave and he wants to tell me all about minecraft, and meanwhile is not doing what I ask (get shoes on, go pee etc). I used to blow up and now I just finally took him aside in a calm moment and simply explained the truth: I noticed when you talk while we are trying to get ready, that it slows you down. Then I get flustered and have to repeat things. Then I start to look at the watch and get anxious/overwhlmed. So can we just have a rule that when we are leaving, we just focus on the task at hand, and use self talk to figure out what we need to get out the door and then as soon as we are outside (or on subway or in car…) I am happy to listen to you. That way I can actually hear what you are saying and not be half listening and half stressed. He gets it. He often starts talking anyway as we leave, but then all I say is–oops, remember about leaving? And he says right, right, ok! And this has helped so much.
I am sorry for such a long rambling comment! I have so many thoughts about all this stuff and think about it constantly. At this moment I am focusing on showing my flaws and expressing my emotions and explaining my responses to my son, so that he sees: 1) I am human and imperfect; 2) I love him no matter what; 3) He is not wrong in what he is doing, even if it “annoys” others, and 3) We can usually agree on a solution, perhaps imperfect but helpful most of the time.
I would rather that then expect perfection and calm. I am his rock because I show up every day, like you do, and I support him. But I am not a robot and my kid’s dysregulation DOES and CAN take over my decision making, so I express that and reach an understanding, rather than pretend it is not happening. I hope this helps as a way of motivation!
You are an awesome mom. You do so much for your boys. You think about them all the time, you do what you think is best and you are creating a beautiful, safe, loving and HONEST home for them. (:
mamaschlick
Me again,
I also want to add that my parents were ROCKS. I mean they were always there, tough and calm. And I love them. But you know what? I didn’t always feel that they were sensitive or understood what I was going through. Sometimes even when they were calm, I *felt* the disapproval and disappointment though no anger or words were exchanged.
Sometimes when I am upset, I want to see that it has effected the other person. Sometimes I hate when they are calm and cool and collected because it makes me feel crazier. Of course I don’t want them to freak out but I don’t think less of them if they show emotion and react strongly because it makes me feel they are listening and care. I don’t know if that makes sense but I think that being a ROCK or always calm has its downsides too, besides being unrealistic! Part of the reason I am so connected to my son is because we both have strong emotions and opinions and get each other. My husband is super calm and logical and often my son will seek me out when things are hard or he is very upset, so that says something!
Sara Cotner
I always love when you take the time to leave comments, mamaschlick! You give me a lot to think about. Thanks!
Heather
Thanks Sara for posting this! It’s something I really needed to hear. And mamaschlick, thank you so much for your thoughtful and very real life practical reply!