Letting Go: Why I’m Giving Up on Meditation

I recently finished reading Why We Can’t Sleep: Women’s New Midlife Crisis. I have so many mixed feelings about the book. It specifically focuses on the crappy hand of cards that Generation X women have been dealt and why they are so stressed out and depressed in midlife. However, this post isn’t actually about all the conflicting feelings I had while reading the book. Instead, it’s about the concept of “letting go” and why I’m giving up on meditation.

The book talks a lot about the impossible expectations that Generation X women have for themselves. For example, this section really resonated with me:

‘It used to be, you rated yourself on maybe three or four things,’ says Jennifer J. Deal, senior research scientist at the Center for Creative Leadership—’your looks, your house, your husband, and your kids. Now it’s all that, plus your career, your finances, how eco-conscious you are, how healthy you are, and on and on and on.’

So many Gen X women have told me that they were raised believing that if you don’t care about everything, you’re squandering opportunity. They felt pressure to take advantage of all the chances their mothers and grandmothers didn’t have. And they’ve worn themselves out in the process.

‘The people I know who are happy realize they can’t care about everything,’ says Deal. ‘You have to decide what you care about. If everything matters to you, you’re going to go nuts.’

That’s what’s happening. And the message we’ve heard is that with enough ingenuity or willpower we can fix it.

From Why We Can’t Sleep

It made my think back to the New Year’s Reflection form I used for many years. It pushed me to “grade” myself in a ton of different categories. The categories include health, connection and community, meaningful work, environmental awareness, finances, physical space—and the list goes on and on.

Letting Go: I Can’t Have It All

I’ve known for many years as a CEO, I can’t have 1) my job 2) my family 3) exercise 4) friends AND 5) sleep. But I haven’t taken anything off my list. In fact, I’ve only added to the list. I think the constant comparison to others’ lives via social media is part of the problem. I wish I had the energy to curate a capsule wardrobe like Kelsey has. Why can’t I read as many books as Sarah and Abi do. Why can’t I keep my house as clean as Courtney’s house? How can I do more to dismantle white supremacy and become more anti-bias and anti-racist? What can I do to turn the tide on climate change? How can I get rid of my belly fat so I’m not at increased risk for heart disease?

I can’t do it all. That amount of striving will inevitably leave me falling short. And the perception of “falling short” is what can lead to dissatisfaction and disappointment. I have to decide what I care about.

And that means I have to start crossing things off the list.

So meditation is the first thing off the list. It’s painful to admit!

Meditation is amazing—in theory. I believe all the research about the positive benefits it can have in our lives. I just can’t get myself to like it. And since I don’t like it, I have to force myself to do it. And I already have a long list of things I’m forcing myself to do (hello, Exercise). So I don’t want to make the list any longer than absolutely necessary.

So meditation is the first thing off the list. Permission granted.

You should’ve seen Matt’s reaction when I told him. He was quite alarmed (even though he is a relatively laid-back dude). He aspires to be good at meditation. I explained that I believe in meditation but I simply can’t do everything. It took some convincing.

And that’s the whole point! It’s hard to cut things off the list if others are going to judge you. But it’s our lives. At the end of the day, we are responsible to ourselves for our own choices.

So, Meditation, it is time for us to part ways. (Of course I am wishing more power to all of you who are able to keep it on your list!).

But what have you taken off your list? Or what do you wish you would take off?

(I’m going to keep brainstorming ideas over here.)