On Turning 44: What I’m Thinking and Feeling
I turned 44 last week, and it seemed like a good time to step back and reflect on what I’m thinking and and feeling as the years continue to roll on.
I think the “headline” is that I’m feeling good!
I’ve always been terrified of this quote from the Talking Heads:
You may ask yourself, “What is that beautiful house?”
You may ask yourself, “Where does that highway go to?”
And you may ask yourself, “Am I right? Am I wrong?”
And you may say to yourself, “My God! What have I done?”
Talking Heads
I never wanted to get to a point in my life and ask myself, “What have I done?”
Avoiding the “Drift”
And Gretchen Rubin talks about the concept of “drifting”—how easy it is (while also being hard work) to just “drift” along the path that is laid out for you or that seems obvious because of what you’re good at. (You can listen to a quick overview of her work in this podcast episode.)
All of this is why I live my life in a constant state of introspection. I assess, analyze, and act. Each year (and each month), I think about what I want to make true for myself. I make tweaks to my schedule or the projects I’m focusing on or my habits in order to align myself with what brings me purpose and joy. I made big changes and small changes.
And thanks to that practice, I feel good each time my birthday comes around. I feel proud of the life I have written for myself.
The Dark Side
And yet approaching life with this level of control and diligence also comes from a dark place. It comes from the fear I felt as a young child—the fear of being abandoned, the fear of not being worthy enough, and the fear of not knowing what was around the corner for my life.
My reiki healer once described something she saw in my body: she saw me alone in a sand cave and then she saw me ascend stairs into a golden city that I had built. And yet there was a “film” over everything in the city.
So I’m holding both things in my heart as I head into my 45th year: so much pride for what I have built (and continue to build) and more awareness about what causes the “film” and responding to myself, my family, and the world around me in ways that burn off the film and let the gold shine.