Using a Dating App to Make Friends

Here’s a play-by-play journal of my experience with using a dating app to make friends:

Day 1 of Using a Dating App to Make Friends

My husband got sick of hearing me complain about not having enough friends. He told me to download the Bumble BFF app.

I start building my profile. It’s surprisingly difficult! (I used to do online dating back in the day.)

I can easily identify five or so photos to upload (that part feels like less pressure than the dating apps used to feel). But I am out of practice when it comes to encapsulating my identity in a sentence or two. And the app puts uninteresting choices in front of me. I end up looking like my only two hobbies are “crafts” and “hiking.”

And I’m super-stuck on choosing questions to respond to. The choices are:

• I’m most grateful for…
• After work you can find me…
• The three things that make a friendship great are…
• If I could teleport to anywhere it would be…
• Go-to song…
• Dream dinner guest…
• My mother would describe me as…
• Ideal night out…
• Beach or mountains…

I end up deciding on: “We’ll get along if…you hate small talk.” And “The world would be a better place with more…proliferation of partnership versus domination over people and planet.”

I am not happy with these choices. But I’m at a loss to think of anything else.

I start flipping through women and swiping right on the ones who seem interesting.

Day 2

I’m eager to check my messages in the morning. I’ve been matched with someone and she’s written me a message. I’m excited!

She wrote, “Hi Sara!” That’s it.

Her profile describes her as “neuro spicy” and I’m not quite sure what that means. Then I worry that I’m also “neuro spicy” and that two “neuro spicy” people together might not be a good thing. But I write back anyway. I ask her if she wants to get together for a walk or if she wants to bring her family over for dinner and swimming at our house.

She never writes back.

Later in the day, I get a message that really excites me. She’s the mom of three boys: 13, 10, and 8. Perfect ages to play with my boys! I try to invite her and her family over for dinner and swimming the next day. She says that sounds fun but they already have plans. I offer up Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday and apologize if I’m coming off as too aggressive.

She replies, “Isn’t that the whole point?!” She explains that Wednesdays normally work but not this week. I explain that we are leaving for Fall Break soon and hopefully we can connect after we get back.

Day 3

Today I match with a 40 year-old who has a PhD in Genocide Studies. I reach out to her first with my fairly aggressive copy/paste message. I offer that we can meet up for a walk or I can host her at my home for lunch. She writes back and we coordinate to go for a walk in two days.

By this point, I’m having fun reading people’s profiles and swiping. I decide that it would be fun to try and put together a book club with kindred spirits, since so many women mention wanting to be part of a book club. I type up my ideal book club situation and create a form to collect interest.

By the end of the day, I have another walk scheduled in four days and one more scheduled in 11 days. It’s nice that these meet-ups are scheduled during my regularly scheduled walk instead of feeling like “extra” things I’m trying to squeeze into my life.

First Meet Up

Is it weird to wear my volunteer shirt from GalaxyCon when I’m not really a Galaxy Con kind of person? Will that give an inaccurate impression?

I’m overthinking this. It is like online dating.

My first meet-up is wonderful. She’s writing a book about the overlap between genocide and neuroscience. We talk about dualities, post-humanism, the overlaps between feminist theory and white supremacy culture.

I get goosebumps twice from feeling so understood and making new connections/insights!

Subsequent Meet Ups

I meet up with three more walks with different women. All of the conversations are uniquely interesting, and it feels good to be expanding my circle. One of these walks has led to inviting her over to our house for dinner every three weeks or so (my boys love making churros for her and playing Throw Throw Burrito). Another new “friend” is coming to our Friendsgiving gathering with her boyfriend. And I’m pretty sure I’ll start going on writing retreats with another woman in the new year.

Where I Am Now

I only have one person confirmed for my book club so far. But I’m optimistic I will find more. I’m also interested to keep going deeper with the new friends I have made. And I will definitely keep checking into the app for new matches.

Overall, I recommend using a dating app to make friends!