College Care Packages for the Fall: Brainstorming Ideas
Unexpectedly, I’ve been thinking about college care packages for the fall lately. A friend of mine runs a local public school and told me a really sad story about one of his students. The student’s family is Jehovah Witnesses, and they don’t support higher education. The student had to choose between his family/community and going to college.
He chose college, which means that his family has disowned him. My friend helped him purchase things for college in the North and flew up there with him to get settled. But my heart goes out to the boy, and I would like to send him care packages once a semester for the next four years.
But I’ve never sent a college care package! I guess now is as good a time as any to figure this out. Here’s what I’m thinking:
- A beanie hat for cooler Fall days
- Warm socks
- A shaving set
- Halloween candy
- Protein bars
I don’t ever remembering regularly receiving college care packages for the fall or any season when I was a student. I wish I would have! Maybe I will actually get in the habit of sending smaller things more frequently for this student. We’ll see how it goes!
13 Comments
Sara Cotner
Here’s a comment from Sebrina!
—————-
I was gonna comment on your post but then it got long and the filtering program thought I was a bot 🙈
I wanted to say, please don’t make the sweeping assumption that Jehovah’s Witnesses do not support higher education as that is not the case. While it is true that we do not encourage our kids to pursue long-term University degrees there is a more complex reason behind that and it sounds like your friend was not given all the facts or a clear explanation of them.
We don’t in general support kids going away to college because the environment there is often not in agreement with our chosen lifestyle (i.e. heavy drinking, premarital sex, rowdy parties). Also many liberal arts programs promote philosophies that go contrary to our Bible principles. However our children are free to make whatever decision they want and would never be excommunicated (a term we don’t even use) just for attending college.
Now if a young person made the decision to dedicate their lives as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses – a complex process that involves months of study and preparation and several hour long interviews to make sure they are mature enough and understand everything that is required in that vow – they are held to a higher standard of accountability. They have basically committed to being citizens of Jehovah’s Kingdom and are required to follow that Kingdom’s laws, just like an other citizen of a nation. So if someone decides they no longer want to follow these requirements they are making the choice to remove themselves from the organization and their family if they are also Jehovah’s Witnesses. For the family, it is truly heartbreaking but a matter of taking a stand for God rather than humans and it is every members hope that they will eventually change their minds and come back.
Regarding education, Jehovah’s Witnesses stress the importance of education and teaching. It is really the foundation of our religion. In fact we have several accredited continuing education programs and teaching facilities around the world. Including a large University style facility in Palm Coast, FL.
All this is to say that please look at this young man’s situation as one specific to his family and their personal decisions and not a representation of Jehovah’s Witnesses as a whole. Any professed or former Jehovah’s Witnesses who simply say I couldn’t/can’t do x,y,z because of my religion are either oversimplifying or truly do not really understand our tenants. We are 100% about freedom of choice but that every choice has a consequence for good or bad.
There’s a great video that dramatizes a similar situation. You can watch it here:
https://tv.jw.org/#en/mediaitems/VODMoviesModernDay/pub-ivpro_1_VIDEO
Hope that makes sense even if you don’t necessarily agree with it 😊
All the Best!
Sara Cotner
Thank you for sharing all this, Sebrina! I am truly grateful to understand more!
Abby
In response to Sebrina’s comment:
I fully understand and can empathize with your intentions and your instinct to come to the defense of your faith. However, I want to encourage you to take caution that you aren’t rushing to invalidate the experiences and traumas of others in an effort to defend the policies and teachings of the organization from honest scrutiny.
Crucially, I feel a moral imperative to challenge the argument that you posed regarding the context of dedication and the consequences of stepping outside of approved JW behaviors, beliefs and lifestyles – particularly because you assert that those who are disfellowshipped from the congregation are responsible for the catastrophic, life-altering effects of the JW shunning policies. In essence, you are casting a suspicion of blame on this person as if he has shunned his own family – and what’s more upsetting is that you are suggesting this is a personal family matter, which could easily be interpreted as a recommendation for others (such as Sara) to stay out of it. I feel particularly well qualified to speak to this, because as a member of JW family I participated in the shunning of my own sister for nearly 10 years. It was torture for everyone, but my sister was the only one who had to endure it alone.
First, in suggesting that the dedication and baptism process is rigorous, you are leaving out a crucial fact: a very large number of people born into JW families are baptized as minors, many as very young children. It is not reasonable that young children (who are hoping to please their parents and congregation members) are expected to make an informed decision that they will not be allowed to reverse without penalty of losing every relationship they have ever been allowed to form. This would be an unreasonable expectation for anyone. Further, the suggestion of rigor needs to be met with the context that born-in JW children are generally not allowed to attend services of any other religion or actively consider other spiritual/religious options, and are only taught about other faiths from JW publications that were specifically designed to aggressively debunk all other religions. Dedication and baptism is the default expectation of JW children, and every convention I have every attended has a large number of elementary school aged children completing dedication and baptism, and I have more than once seen on-stage interviews with 8 year old baptismal candidates who were directly set up as role models for younger children.
Next, I need to challenge and provide context to a statement that was particularly hurtful to me: “So if someone decides they no longer want to follow these requirements they are making the choice to remove themselves from the organization and their family if they are also Jehovah’s Witnesses.” Telling people they are at fault for not holding up a binding permanent, high-stakes agreement they made as a child with limited exposure to alternative options is unreasonable and cruel. It is no choice. If you gave a child a mortgage at the age of 8 and they defaulted on it, would you blame that child for making bad investments? In addition, neglecting to mention the types of offenses that lead to complete loss of all relationships with all JWs (including parents, siblings, etc) makes this more misleading, since it gives the impression that these people are doing things that are violent or hurtful. Clear-cut disfellowshipping offenses include things like joining another religion, accepting blood transfusions, expressing dissenting opinions of JW policies (including disfellowshipping), having a same-sex relationship, or holding public office to name a few. In the event that anyone does any of these or a wide variety of other things and stands by their decision, active JWs are instructed not to speak to or acknowledge them indefinitely. To quote the Watchtower, Sept 15, 1981 on whether this applies to family members as well: “Loyal Christians should strive to avoid needless association with such a relative, even keeping business dealings to an absolute minimum.”
I hope that in the future you will take care to consider the experiences, perspectives, and suffering of others who do not share your faith. While it may not have been intentional, the tone of your response casts doubt and blame on the man whose situation invoked Sara’s empathy, as well as on countless others who have endured similar agonizing circumstances.
Sebrina
I’m sorry if you found offense with my comment. The inverse could be applied.
In this young man’s case my assumption is actually that he is not disfellowshipped as that was never stated. Neither of us know if he was in fact ever baptised and as I explained he would not be removed from the congregation for simply going to college. So it is a family matter, not a conversation one, if his parents have chosen to no longer support him. That was my point, that what they do as a family does not represent the views or stance of everyone.
The same applies to most people’s situations – you base it on what individual families do based on their application of principles. Every religion has their bad representations of the whole.
Abby
Please let me know if I have given any inaccurate information or misrepresented the JW organization in any way. Every close relationship I had for 20 years was exclusively with JWs, so I know intimately how kind and caring the people in the organization can be. I miss many of them severely.
Your statement “I’m sorry if you found offense” tells me that you are not sorry for saying something that hurt me, but you are sorry that I bothered you by expressing my hurt and the context surrounding it. Please look into your heart and try to find space to consider the pain of people who decide they cannot continue to be Witnesses. They have a wide variety of reasons, and they are made to suffer for taking a stand for their values.
I wish you all the best.
Sebrina Parker
No problem and thanks for understanding and sharing my comment 💗 I’m sure this young man will really appreciate your kindness!
Maggie
Sara,
What you did was very thoughtful & kind! It’s traumatizing to lose one’s family & community in the pursuit of education & independence. I’m very thankful that you are there to support him, however, as it will make his life moving forward much easier. I sincerely recommend keeping in touch with him personally.
Thank you again.
Sara Cotner
Luckily he seems to be really charismatic and seems to connect with others easily, but I will absolutely be available for whatever he needs. He’s welcome to join our family for holidays, summers, etc.!
Abby
Dear Sara,
A friend of mine directed me to this blog post, and I am so extremely touched that you had the instinct to reach out to this student and offer him some comfort and support during a dark and difficult situation. My friend specifically sent it to me because I also was raised as a devout Jehovah’s Witness and went against the organization’s recommendations in deciding to go to college. This was part of a large set of circumstances and prayerful personal reflections that led me to conclude that the JW life wasn’t the only way to live, and that I could not carry on pretending to believe that it was the only truth – which unfortunately is an extremely loaded decision for a JW to make. This cost me my family and my entire community, and I suffered terribly at having to choose between exploring my doubts and pursuing an unbiased education vs keeping all of my closest relationships.
I would have been overcome with gratitude if an unexpected non-JW stranger took it upon themselves to offer me comfort during that stage of my life. It’s hard to fully explain all the context behind why this gesture is so meaningful from my perspective, but I’ll give it a shot.
While the JWs do not physically segregate their community from society at large, the prevailing attitude within the congregation is that they have the only true religion and that all others should only be engaged politely in the minimum amount necessary for functional interactions. The only exception is that outsiders should also ministered to in order to bring them into “the truth” before Armageddon or they will be destroyed for not following god’s specific standards (as interpreted from the Bible by the Watchtower and Bible and Tract Society). The JWs consider themselves “no part of this world” and colloquially refer to people outside of the organization as “worldly”. They also refer to anyone who is not rigorously adhering to JW practices as “bad associations”, referencing 1 Corinthians 15:33 where the New World Translations states: “Do not be misled: bad associations spoil useful habits.” As such, we were STRONGLY discouraged from spending any more than the minimum necessary amount of time in the presence of non-JWs (or even insufficiently active JWs). In fact, while I was growing up in the organization there were many JW publications and seminars/talks directed at young JWs warning us that while people in “the world” may seem at first impression to be good, moral people, if we spend time with them we are at serious risk of corruption. I struggled enormously with this mindset as far back as I can remember and through all the years I spent trying to remain faithful, especially when my sister fell in love with a non-believer and was disfellowshipped from the congregation – meaning she was a clearly labeled example of a bad associate, and I was to have no more contact with her. I was 10 or 11 years old. This made it extremely clear what would happen if I ever found myself seriously entertaining any ideas that were contrary to the organization’s expectations.
When I decided to give my doubts some honest consideration, there was definitely a part of me that had a strong, baked-in discomfort in fully embracing the community of “worldly” people. If I had received a gift from someone who saw the reality of the painful position I was in, it would have been an incredible relief and comfort.
So truly, thank you so much for thinking of offering a kindness to this student. If he’s anything like I was, it will be so meaningful to know that someone in the world is freely offering a gift with no expectation that he should hold a particular belief.
As for the care package itself, I think your instincts are great. A few suggestions:
1. Without knowing how much of the JW lifestyle this person may or may not still uphold, I would recommend including only candy that isn’t marketed specifically as Halloween themed. JWs don’t celebrate Halloween, and while I’m sure he would appreciate the sentiment, there is a chance he may not be entirely comfortable with Halloween stuff. (Though it is possible that he quickly got on board with Halloween, because I sure did).
2. Socks, warm clothes/accessories (depending on the region), office supplies (various color pens, pencils, highlighters, sticky notes, etc), quick but filling snacks (nuts, protein bars, jerky etc), coffee/tea, candy, throw blankets, cozy slippers, USB thumb drives are all winners for any college care package in my book. I’d also say underwear in cases where appropriate (obviously not this one). Laundry is always an issue.
3. If you know of any on-campus or nearby coffee shops, restaurants, or leisure activities (movie theaters, mini golf, comic shops, etc), gift cards or groupons to these would be an excellent addition. Especially for someone recently leaving the JWs, their schedule probably feels very weird since they may have until recently gone to meetings (basically church) multiple times per week and also usually go out proselytizing weekly. Spending a lot of time at home might be a welcome change, but can also be very surreal feeling at first. Getting out more helps.
Sara Cotner
Abby, my heart goes out to you.
“I suffered terribly at having to choose between exploring my doubts and pursuing an unbiased education vs keeping all of my closest relationships.”
This is exactly why my heart breaks for this boy. He literally had to choose between going to college and staying connected to his family. That’s an impossibly unfair choice that should not be put upon any human.
I am working so hard to become the kind of parent who lets my children be who they are. There are many choices they could make in life (or things they could come to believe or fight for) that might break my heart. And yet I will push myself to hold fast to the ideas of Kahlil Gibran: “They come through you but not from you / And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.”
We need family. It is the nucleus to our spinning electrons. Abby, I hope that you have been able to build a family of choice to start to fill the hole left by your family of origin.
Thank you for sharing so vulnerably and courageously. I am awed by your strength and courage and wish you the very best!
Roz
I am a former, born in Jehovah’s Witness. I don’t usually do this, but I think it’s important for non-JWs to know the truth about this religion, because Jehovah’s Witnesses are often viewed as harmless or misunderstood by people who have never been baptized in the religion. I will address some of Sebrina’s statements as briefly and thoroughly as possible, and provide evidence to back up my statements if possible.
“However our children are free to make whatever decision they want and would never be excommunicated (a term we don’t even use) just for attending college.”
“So if someone decides they no longer want to follow these requirements they are making the choice to remove themselves from the organization and their family if they are also Jehovah’s Witnesses.”
Sebrina is right about the fact that JWs don’t ex-communicate, because religions that ex-communicate only exclude the individual from participating in church activities, they don’t force their families and friends to cut all contact with them.
What Jehovah’s Witnesses actually do is shun, they call it disfellowshipping because it doesn’t sound as bad.
I appreciate that Sebrina wrote this comment, because she gave a fantastic example of how Jehovah’s Witnesses victim blame when it comes to their shunning practice. Notice how Sebrina shifts blame to the disfellowshipped JWs: “they are making the choice to remove themselves from the organization and their family”
Here’s a video from one of their conventions in 2017 where a 10 year old girl talks about how her older sister, who is disfellowshipped, reached out to her and asked her to maintain contact with her. The 10 year old girl declined because it would damage her relationship with Jehovah. It starts at 1:17
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-X1wdz8TBc
Does that sound like someone who chose to remove themselves from their family?
Here is another video from their 2016 convention. In this video a young woman who was disfellowshipped for having premarital sex with a non JW is trying to reach out to her mother, her mother ignores her calls.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1v7ZqOA89Dk
Again, they’re making it clear that disfellowshipped JWs do not choose to remove themselves from their family, they are shunned. JWs just spin it and claim that the disfellowshipped ones essentially force their families to shun them. This is not uncommon. There are ExJWs who haven’t spoken to their families in ages. Many are not even told when an active JW parent passes away.
It’s important to keep in mind that many born in Jehovah’s Witnesses, most in fact, are baptized while they are still adolescents, and many are even baptized as young as 9 years old. In other words, as a child who still views the world in black and white, hangs on their parents every word, believes everything their parents tell them. Before reaching an age where they have the ability to view their parents objectively, as imperfect human beings who can make poor choices, or to challenge or question their beliefs, many born in JWs make a decision that can lead to their family cutting them off due to extreme pressure from within the group.
Here’s a great example of how one of their leaders encourages this kind of coercion. It starts at the 1:00 minute mark. Governing Body member Anthony Morris saying that if a young one says he isn’t ready to get baptized, their parents should hold off on allowing them to get a driver’s license.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MreJ8tLYIso&t=3s
“We are 100% about freedom of choice…”
I don’t think Sebrina understands what freedom of choice truly means. Her mentality is a perfect example of how JWs in general think.
“Regarding education, Jehovah’s Witnesses stress the importance of education and teaching. It is really the foundation of our religion. Including a large University style facility in Palm Coast, FL.”
This statement is particularly interesting, because it’s a bold faced lie. The institution in Florida is an indoctrination camp that some Jehovah’s Witnesses attend for two months to study their own teachings. The school is only for men of married couples, not single sisters. The same can be said about all of their facilities around the world. Only men and married couples are allowed to volunteer and live in their facilities long term. The only way a single sister is allowed to do so, is if she happens to have a special skill that is needed by the society, which requires higher education not provided by the organization, such as being a nurse.
“In fact we have several accredited continuing education programs and teaching facilities around the world.”
This statement in particular leads me to wonder whether Sabrina doesn’t know what accreditation is, or if she’s lying intentionally. The Jehovah’s Witnesses do not have any accredited educational institutions.
This website allows you to search accredited educational institutions in the united states. https://ope.ed.gov/dapip/#/home . She will probably claim she meant other parts of the world, in which case, she should show proof to support her statements. If it were true, the Jehovah’s Witness organization would proclaim it on their own website.
“Any professed or former Jehovah’s Witnesses who simply say I couldn’t/can’t do x,y,z because of my religion are either oversimplifying or truly do not really understand our tenants.”
Things Jehovah’s Witnesses aren’t allowed to do because of their religion:
Accept blood transfusions – This is an automatic disfellowshipping offense. You have to be willing to die.
Celebrate birthdays or holidays
Associate or speak to shunned friends and family
Women are not allowed to wear pants to their meetings
Women are not allowed to teach the congregation from the podium
Women are not allowed to hold positions of authority within the organization or congregations.
I could go on and one, but this post has already become very lengthy.
I encourage anyone who is interested in learning more about the reality of Jehovah’s Witnesses to listen to both sides of the experience. https://www.reddit.com/r/exjw/ is a great place to start, and there are countless Ex JW testimonies on YouTube in many languages.
Kerstin
Sara, what a thoughtful thing to do, for any college student! I remember going to college far away from home, and the college club from my home state would send us care packages during finals every year. They worked with a local farm that sold everything from fresh fruit and homemade pies to apple cider to maple sugar candies and popcorn. They would deliver a lovely paper sack full of treats to our dorms. It was such a warm and comforting thing to receive and get me through the long hours of study!
Sara Cotner
Wow! That’s incredible, Kerstin!