Purposeful Parenthood: What I’m Working on Right Now
Matt just returned from a weeklong trip to the Pacific Northwest (in exchange for the month I got to spend in Melbourne at a Montessori training). I sure do struggle to be a successful parent when I’m on my own! On top of the solo parenting difficulty, it was a particularly busy week at work. My patience for my children was virtually zero. The whole situation crescendoed into curling up in a ball—crying—on my bed on Saturday night, scrolling through Facebook. I felt like such a failure as a parent. Then I came across an ad that gave me direction for my most recent quest toward purposeful parenthood.
The Facebook Ad Related to Purposeful Parenthood
Am I the only one who actually appreciates the social media algorithms that predict what my brain is thinking/needing at any given moment? It makes me feel so known in the world! The ad was selling an e-book for about $6 that’s called The Yelling Cure by Robbin McManne. (Did Siri hear me yelling at my children or something?)
I downloaded the book and immediately read all 90 pages of it. I was sobbing by the end. It helped me connect the dots on so many things.
In no particularly order, here were my late-night thoughts related to purposeful parenthood:
- I am over-controlling. I already learned through my Therapeutic Assessment work that my need to control comes from the unpredictability of my childhood.
- But the book helped me see just how much my need to over-control exacerbates Henry’s behavior issues. He already struggles with impulse control and following directions. He gets corrected a lot, all day long. When you layer on an over-controlling mom, it means the set of things he is being managed to feels overwhelmingly long.
- On top of this, I have trouble with the concept of unconditional love, which the author lists as a number one need for children. I never felt loved by my father and then felt constantly judged by my grandmother. As a result, I don’t exhibit enough unconditional love to my children.
- So trying to over-control/manage a kid who already struggles with basic to-dos and then making him feel like my love is contingent upon getting everything right is just a recipe for disaster. Poor guy.
- Plus, I am so busy at work and my brain is always so full that I crowd out my patience. I frequently feel like my children are getting in the way of me being able to do what I really want to be doing.
Changing My Approach
After more sobbing, I went to bed and prepared to apply my new purposeful parenthood paradigm (adequate sleep is a must!). Here are some of the things that happened:
- The boys woke up a little early. Instead of making them go back to bed until their alarm goes off (like I normally do), I seized the opportunity to just connect with them in my bed.
- After reading a story together, they asked to finish watching a movie we had started earlier in the weekend. I normally wouldn’t say yes to watching a movie first thing in the morning, but I realized it wouldn’t hurt anything.
- For breakfast, we made pancakes together. They were reluctant to wash the dishes afterward, but I stayed calm. I simply said, “If you don’t wash the dishes, I will. But if I have to wash the dishes, I’m going to be more reluctant to say yes to pancakes the next time you ask.” I walked away to start the laundry. They washed the dishes.
- At that point, I think they were feeling really connected to me. It made everything so much easier! They finished the pancake dishes, helped sort the laundry, and then put away all their laundry. Not a single argument!
- We finished watching the movie and then headed out to a “beach” on the lake. I worked really hard to say yes to things instead of trying to make everyone conform to the way I wanted things to be.
- When the boys started fighting with each other, I worked really hard to stay patient and switch into problem-solving support mode. Instead of resorting to consequences or mandatory separation, I tried to be empathetic and help them articulate their feelings.
- Later that night, Henry got out Matt’s clippers and started trimming his leg hairs. I started to stop him and he said, “It’s my body.” I realized that he was completely right and that trimming his leg hair wasn’t something I needed to control. Then he moved into wanting to trim the bottom of his haircut. I asked him if he wanted help. He said no. Then he took out a giant chunk. I took a picture of it for him, so he could see what it looked like from the back. He realized how bad it looked. Then he asked me to help. I did my best to help salvage the situation, but it still looked pretty bad. But now he has learned that, yes, he has control over his body but that he has to be careful with that control. There are mistakes to be made. When he does make mistakes, I’m still going to love him and support him.
Purposeful Parenthood: Verdict
It’s crazy how much my interactions with my children changed over the course of a single day. I’m going to read the book again. I also purchased this book to help myself focus on how to go back and give myself the unconditional love I didn’t always get as a child. Finally, I’m spending a little more time thinking about how I can fill my bucket even more so that I approach parenting with the patience I need to keep up these kinds of purposeful interactions.
What are you working on as a parent these days, Friends?
13 Comments
Matty
I love you so much!
Bethleigh
I have a 14yr will be 15yr in November transgender f2m teen who is very sensitive and lazy much of my own doing by waiting hand and foot so really I have no right to complain but I need to change ,
I was a very harsh angry yelled all the time , and at the time I thought it worked, but I hadn’t realised how bad I’d got until my teen ran away and dad got mad at me and my teen refused to come home or speak to me for 3months , a long road of pain reality hit how disgusting my behaviour was.
My teen came home and I haven’t yelled since that was 16months ago ,
But now what do I do I’m stuck with how to get my teen to do anything around the house absolutely nothing.
Sara Cotner
This sounds so, so hard, Bethleigh. I’m nervous about the teenage years. There’s so much brain and body development happening. I can’t imagine what our struggles will be like then. Wishing you and your family the very best!
Julie
What a courageously open post! Thank you for sharing this part of your journey. As a parent of little ones, and in witnessing parents of older kids, it strikes me more and more frequently how us doing our own work makes a world of difference for our parenting (and is likely more important than whatever parenting “style” we ascribe to, if any). I’m working on self-kindness and capacity to stay in the present. Not an easy road, but kids are a fantastic motivator. Wishing you many more days like the one you had with your boys!
Sara Cotner
Thank you, Julie! I completely agree that it helps to do our own work as parents. There’s a great excerpt from a Parker Palmer book about how our internal demons impact our work as leaders/teachers; it reminds me of your point. I’ll try to dig it up and write a post about it! Good luck with your self-kindness work and your commitment to staying in the present!
Phae
1. YES to the social media algorithms!! I totally want to see those breezy cotton rompers.
2. I could have written this post. Solidarity. 😘😘
Sara Cotner
Yes, we are kindred spirits in so many ways, Dear Phae!
mamaschlick
Sara, this is amazing. I feel like the awareness is a huge step and the process takes a while and we regress and then take a few steps forward and regress…etc. I have so many books (and articles) that have helped center me. First, if you don’t know about the Tilt Parenting blog and podcast–well run to it! Have you read, “Parenting from the Inside Out”? It is exactly what you are talking about–understanding your childhood as the key to being the parent you want to be. Also, “Raising Cain” is a classic, and “The Explosive Child” is excellent (you probably know about these already, sorry if so). Don’t be turned off by the title of the latter if you don’t have it-the author Ross Greene is AMAZING and your child does NOT have to be explosive for the book to be totally relevant and helpful. He has a website too you can check out https://www.livesinthebalance.org which has little mini videos I find so inspiring and watch again and again. Lastly, the new “Differently Wired” book is incredible. Let me know how you like them if you get them! You don’t have to answer here in public, but have you ever had Henry assessed by neuropsychologist? We had our son assessed and it was really eye-opening. We got a 17 page report on his challenges, abilities, strengths and weaknesses. Of course we didn’t take it as the bible but it was really helpful to see how his mind worked in ways we could not possibly uncover.
I went through a phase where I did a lot of yelling and out of desperation, after failed attempts to change, I decided the only thing to get me out of my frustration rut was to adopt a mantra. I went through a few but settled on, “This is (son’s name) childhood. This is what he will remember as he grows, and as an adult” It helped me so much because it put the moments in perspective. I remembered how my dad would yell at me when I was clumsy or broke something–I was already embarrassed and needing understanding. I grew up feeling ashamed when–you guessed it–I was clumsy, stumbled, looked weak etc. Not blaming him for it all, but the memories of shame and the lack of support in those moments are so much stronger than many other memories. And my dad was an otherwise awesome dad–just this piece was a bad one. When I remember this and the lasting impact it had on me, via the short mantra, I am often able to pull myself out of frustration. I also tell myself “ZIP IT” when I am about to say something cutting to my son. It works! Then I say the comment I wanted to say in my head and realize it wouldn’t have made me feel better saying it to him. For some reason yelling ZIP IT! to myself is SO helpful and helps me be annoyed at myself rather than him. It’s weird what works for each of us. Lastly, I often will tell my son (when I start to feel tense) something like “I’m feeling a bit stressed and I just need a minute because I don’t want to overreact” or if its after I snap at him, “I’m sorry I snapped, it is not you. What you did was not bad. I just have very little patience and it set me off but it is not your fault that I yelled. I got out of control for a moment and I apologize.” He is SO appreciative to know it is not him. And it may be something he did that was the last straw but I feel it’s important to clarify that he is not the CAUSE. Make sense?
Anyway, just a bit about my strategies. Thanks for the honest post. Great to read. Cheers!
Sara Cotner
I love all of this, mamaschlick! So many helpful strategies and books!!!! It’s like a whole blog post in the comments! I have not read most of those books and will definitely check them out. I also appreciated your tips. Thank you!
And thank you for having the courage to ask what feels like a personal question! We had him tested when he was 5 or 6. The results were pretty inconclusive because his behavior was pretty out of control and he didn’t really take it seriously. The test showed some anxiety and potential ADHD (in the future). We have just started a Therapeutic Assessment process with him. It’s focused on what’s happening in the family system. I’m excited to see where it leads!
Can’t wait to meet you in NYC soon!
Heather
I’ve followed your blog for years and from what I read you are a thoughtful and intentional parent. I’m glad you took the opportunity to transform a not so great moment into a growth exercise.
While I was going through my email I stumbled upon this gem. I hope it resonates with you as much as it does for me.
https://www.ahaparenting.com/blog/5_Steps_to_Get_Your_Inner_Critic_on_Your_Side
Take care,
Heather
Sara Cotner
Thank you for sharing, Heather! I loved reading it. I think calming my inner critic is definitely something to work on (and to work on just accepting my inner critic for who it is!). And then I followed the links to an article about the sense of loss that mothers can feel when their children transition into middle school and then another article about how 8 year-olds can be the new tweens. Thank you for connecting me with so many good ideas!
Erin
Thank you so much for your honest posts! Parenting is hard! I lost it with my sweet 5 year old boy a few weeks ago and I felt traumatized by my own behavior. It’s like watching yourself become the worst version of yourself – a train wreck in slow mo. I definitely don’t want to act like that, but sometimes the emotions & impatience just gets the better of me. Plus, hormones don’t make it any easier!! Nonetheless, you say to yourself I’m the adult here and there’s got to be a better way. I found this book that I’m getting ready to start: 123 Magic about effective parenting. Basically, parents over-talk situations and get too emotional. Kids seem to do better with simple cause and effect. So, hopefully that will provide me with some better strategies than yelling! For me, I also find that the more honest I am with my little boy, the better, so he knows exactly where I’m at. And, I have always made time to apologize afterwards – either later that day or the next day. So, I have so much compassion for you and the challenges of being a working parent and also for those who get into 10,000 more painful situations. Keep up the good work!! You are a loving parent, a great mom, and your boys are going to grow up strong and healthy and wonderful… and meet their full potentials!
Sara Cotner
Thank you for the encouragement, Erin! I try to remind myself that my children are helping me become a better person–more patient, more resilient, more in-the-moment, and more selfless. Also, I try to keep it in perspective and remind myself that it could be worse.
My therapist says that the research shows that what messes up kids (he doesn’t say it this exact way) is not the mistakes parents make with their children; it’s whether or not (and how) they make amends for their mistakes. I think I do that part well! (er, at least I do it better than preventing the mistakes in the first place!)