How to Talk with Kids about Death
The day has come that I had hoped would never come. I had to let my school community know that a child within our community passed away from a tragic accident at home.
As you can imagine, our community is devastated. The scope of this loss is difficult to bring into focus, and the weight of it is impossibly heavy.
The family has been with us from the very beginning of the school (7 years). This loss is unimaginable and it will be felt in every corner of our hearts and our school.
I searched for resources to support my own family, as well as resources to share with our entire community. This article talks about how important it is to use accurate language about death, and how it’s okay for adults to show emotion, too: https://www.npr.org/2019/04/24/716702066/death-talking-with-kids-about-the-end
Additionally, www.grievingstudents.org is a wonderful website with lots of resources.
And this episode of Sesame Street does a beautiful job of talking about death with young children in mind.
As a school, we will be leading community circles in the impacted communities. We will also work with a counselor to make sure that everyone who needs support has access to it. Further, we are working to determine a way to do a meaningful memorial activity.
I am holding this family in my heart as they grapple with this devastating loss.
7 Comments
Katharina
Hi Sara, I feel with you and everyone involved. At home we have two books, which we used with the kids. One is translated into English. “Duck, Death and the tulip.”
At work when these things happen we also have a memorial table with a photo, candle and flowers. The table tends to be there for around a week. One can leave letters and drawings there which are given to the family if they want. We also do memorial gatherings with those that were closest and the family if they want.
Sara Cotner
Thank you for chiming in, Katharina!
Jen
I am so, so sorry. I wish I had concrete resources to share. I cannot imagine guiding an entire community through such deep grief. Life can be so cruel and twisted at times! I will say that when we lost our 5th baby we were a gigantic mess in front of all four of the other kids and we got some criticism about that from adults outside our immediate family who witnessed it at time… but looking back at a vantage point of three years, I have no regrets. The children felt welcomed to grieve completely. We still let the children talk about the loss anytime they want. They’ll bring it up at extremely in-opportune times but that’s just by grown-up standards of “propriety.” Really anytime is okay to talk about people you love, whether they are alive or not. So I encourage you to grieve thoroughly with the children now, but also to create a space in your heart for the “random” times someone needs to bring up this dear child again. It may even be in two years while you’re in the middle of guided reading, or on the way to lunch. Something will trigger a memory & they’ll reach out. How we receive their heart at these moments I think helps set the stage for how they’ll deal with sorrow for the rest of their life. Many people never learned to grieve with other people & in their sorrow turn to food, alcohol, or other things in an unhealthy way. My goal for my family has been to send the message “you never have to grieve alone. You can interrupt anything, anytime, and we can hold hands for a moment and remember.”
Sara Cotner
I’m sorry for your loss, Jen. And I agree that being vulnerable with children and showing our sadness can help them feel less alone in their own sadness.
Melissa
Here are a few things that our school did a few years ago when this happened in our community that I really appreciated:
1. All families got a personal phone call from the principal sharing the news.
2. The first day back, school staff members– school counselor, nurse, etc. rode the buses in the morning so that kids had support right away.
3. Parents who wanted to gather with each other at school were offered the opportunity to gather in the library.
4. Staff met for a supportive circle before school started that first day.
5. All classes began with a circle where kids were invited to share/reflect/ask questions.
6. There were flowers on the student’s desk every day for the remainder of the school year.
7. A beautiful wooden memory box was put in the front hallway. All community members were welcome to leave notes, drawings, items in the box.
8. Specials teachers are each only in our building one or two days a week. The other schools in our district generously gave up their time with these teachers so they could be in our building every day for the full week. Classroom schedules for the week were altered to give our students as much art, music and pe in their schedules as possible. We have regular “open art” times in the school and these were extended. Teachers were asked to move through our days as slowly and as gently as possible.
9. A community mealtrain was put in place for the family.
10. The family held a beautiful memorial service to which the entire school community was invited. At the memorial everyone was invited to bring flowers to add to a mandala. Students sang. Her classmates each shared a one word reflection. The oldest students carried in the memory box and presented it to the family.
Sara Cotner
These are really tangible and helpful ideas. Thank you so much, Melissa!
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