Accepting Children for Who They Are
Last week, Daphne commented on this post and connected me to Tilt Parenting. I spent a solid hour going down the rabbit hole. First, I watched the Ted Talk. Then I downloaded every PDF. I read lengthy descriptions and manifestos. At the end of it all, I came up for air. I declared (to myself): It’s time to start accepting our children for who they are.
I know this is such an easy concept for many. But it’s hard for me. I haven’t understood—really understood—that Henry processes the world differently.
We will be getting started on another formal evaluation soon. (We did one when he was in kindergarten, but it was inconclusive.) But, honestly, I am already learning what feels like the most important part. Henry has atypical strengths and areas for growth. It’s imperative that I help him appreciate his strengths. It’s equally imperative that I help him see his areas for growth without shame. They are merely things to work around, not things to shackle him.
I am opening up more space in my life to address Henry’s needs. For the first time in six years, I am bringing home 30-60 minutes of work instead of two-four hours of work. It means I can spend so much more quality time with him. We watch Black Panther or play Monopoly. We lie in the dark and chat. He falls asleep with his feet touching mine while I relax and read a library book on my Kindle app. I’m not rushing to the next thing.
I want to keep identifying if there are things we can do to ease the parts that feel like they are causing him stress and suffering. For example, our therapist recommended homeopathy for helping bodies get in balance. But our overall orientation will be: You are great the way you are. It’s the unconditional positive regard I was talking about a while back.
Slowly but surely! Right?
6 Comments
Olivia
This is beautiful. Your kids are so lucky to have such an intentional mama walking with them. Cheers to you.
Our mantra with our little ones is to “love them completely for exactly who they are.” It’s challenging at times for sure, but I figure if we keep that front and center, everything in the margins will work itself out.
Sara Cotner
I love the idea that “everything in the margins will work itself out.” Thank you, Olivia!
Mamaschlick
I cannot tell you how happy it makes me to know Tilt was so useful. I remember when I discovered it I did the same. I binged night after night and felt so NOT alone. Finally! And now, more than a year later, I go back to the episodes time and time again and they bring me calm and direction. Also, there is now a free online conference called “smart but struggling” where you can listen to free talks for 24 hours (or pay for unlimited access). I will forward you the email. Debbie Weber also write “differently wired” the book. And you should definitely check out Ross Greene’s website – he has a short video series that I find so moving. Your goals are great! There are setbacks but the bond grows stronger. You are a great mother!
Sara Cotner
Thank you so much for the link and the kind words! It’s getting so much better. And, yes, I know what you mean about not feeling so alone. I read some research today about the importance of “belonging” and realizing that your struggles are not isolated to just you. So thank you!
Phae
Love you & Henry!
Wanted to share a quote that sticks with me from “Parenting toward the Kingdom”:
“Children are not tasks to accomplish but persons to be loved”
This helps me a lot.
Sara Cotner
I so need to hear this, Phae! Thank you!